Fear and Faith

For the past year or so I’ve been contemplating…a lot honestly. As to be expected of a twenty one year old college drop out who just moved back into her childhood home. Mostly, from morning until night fall, I ponder what I should do. Not just with my single day but with my entire life. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling when you’re in this season of stillness. You feel like you have so much time and so many ideas but no real opportunities or passions. I find myself getting sucked into these whirlwinds of “what ifs” and “I shoulds” and to be completely honest, it’s a daily battle to fight the current.

Being someone who is so acutely aware of their own mind and tendencies seems to be a blessing and a curse.The second that a worrisome thought enters my mind, I can physically identify a shift within myself that feels so foreign yet annoyingly familiar. I know that fear is a worldy habit and that it is not of my God given spirit, so I retreat to prayer in hopes of silencing it.

It’s quite embarrassing to admit that I struggle with fear and anxiety so often, but I have a strong feeling that I am not alone in this confession. As humans we can expect nothing less but to wrestle with worry, but the real power comes from a strength that we will never be able to muster up. Not alone at least. Our Father whom knit us together, called us to his purpose, and sacrificed everything for our sake, is now and always will be our one true strength. 

Being that He not only created but experienced humanity, He knows exactly how to speak to our hearts and bring forth unimaginable hope. He reminds us that we do not have spirits of timidity, but rather spirits of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Yes, we are humans, but above that we are divine spirits. Before and after these bodies exist, our souls identify us. So we must rest in this truth and allow ourselves to take refuge in it during the storms. There is an explainable peace that can be found in the fact that fear is honestly not of our holy nature. Fear is a foreigner that we unintentionally invite in and entertain at times.

But the good news is, the door into our hearts works both ways. In the exact same way that worry waltsed in, it can be escorted out.

I will be the last person to ever say that this is an easy giant to slay because truly it is not. The enemy is relentless and will continue to blindside us with doubts, but there is confidence to be placed in the fact that we as believers fight from victory. The battle has already been won, the devil just seeks to distract us from this life giving truth. Think of it this way, if the enemy is constantly trying to distract and discourage you, then you’re either doing something right or getting extremely close to it. He chases most intensely after those who he sees as a threat. When we dream big and ponder beautiful ideas, of course he is going to seek to destroy them. And how does he do this? By encouraging US to destroy them ourselves. Think about it, the most common thing that prevents people from pursuing their passions is themselves. How does this happen? By way of doubt, and fear, and anxiety, and self deprication. Lack of trust. Belittlement of faith. 

Sure, this is a hard pill to swallow. Just as humans are accustomed to fear, we are also accustomed to placing blame. It’s easy to say that we gave up on something because “it’s impossible” or “it’s illogical” or “no one believed in me” but those are all cowardly excuses. When using these or many others that are similar, we are simply seeking to blame our failure on someone else or on the world. In reality, the explanation lies in the fact that we, ourselves, lacked faith and therefor had no strength to leap out.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not here to make anyone feel ashamed because I of all people am the worst about this. I’m essentially writing this entire thing addressed to myself. I am extremely aware of how confusing it is to be walking through a wilderness season where both the pathway out and the destination are unclear. It’s wrong to suppress or ignore these emotions, but it is also wrong to dance with them. We simply can not and should not find comfort in either of these options. Rather, we must seek to acknowledge, confront, and then rebuke them. 

Although it can be intimidating in comparison to our fickle minds, fear is now and forever will be no match for our mighty Savior. I believe that we must experience some stages of darkness in order that the light can reveal just how piercing it can be. From morning until night fall, just as the doubts creep in, all we have to do is call on His name. Truly, our hope, our souls, and our joy will be restored. There is no wickedness that can withstand the sword of Truth, so use it, believe it, trust in it, and speak it over your life. 

The first building block for this is humility. We are constantly called to humble ourselves before the Lord, leaving behind all pride and shame. To kneel at His feet and admit that we are weak and incapable of weathering this storm alone. This takes great courage and bravery and I will be the first to say that I do not typically describe myself in such a way. However, I have come to learn that courage can take many different forms. I, personally, have experienced my most courageous encounters in my weakest moments. Kneeling on the floor or squated in the shower with tears streaming down my face, struggling to catch a breath, just calling out to the Lord, pleading for him to change things or give me the strength to endure. It is here, in these ugly storms where I felt close to drowning, that I have come to realize I was at my bravest. It takes great strength to get on your knees and allow yourself to reach that level of vulnerability. 

I feel that the enemy often attempts to cast shame over these beautiful encounters. He whispers lies that this is us being weak, lacking faith, and distancing from God. But oh how he could not be more wrong. It is here, at precisely this moment, when our Father is closer than ever. How could we ever believe otherwise? OF COURSE the One who cared so much for us that He sent His only begotten Son to die in our place, wants to hold us close as we break. OF COURSE He wants to wipe every tear. I’m sure He wants to do so much more than that. If He “could”, He would remove every single ounce of pain and probably even erase our memory of it all. But of course, though He technically could, it would go against the nature that He has established. He rules with a perfect balance of righteousness and love, so this entails that we must experience some heartache. 

What’s even more beautiful is the fact that rather than erasing all suffering, He promises to personally endure it all with us. He vows to go before us and behind us, being both our strength and our comfort. For in my weakness His power is made perfect. How lucky we are to experience such graceful pain and allow it to be a tool to lift up His Holy name. If we lived an entire life without a single moment of breaking apart, I fear that we would never experience a breakthrough. 

It’s true, fear is a well known emotion, but I think we often at times neglect to identify it for what it really is. It is simply an emotion. Therefor it is fleeting. Within scripture there are 365 moments where we are told to not have fear. This is because it has always been an intense tactic of the enemy so it is vital that we equip our hearts with the Truth about fear. Fear is a liar. It is inconsistent and unreliable. It never leads to life but only destruction. If we allow it to linger and fester up within is, it will distract us from where we are headed and what truly matters. 

Fear and faith can not coexist, one has to be sacrificed for the other.